My Purpose

I am not sure what my purpose is. Self-identity was the main focus of class today, but I felt left out despite my out of context yet humourous interjections. I simply drift through life in a sheltered bubble, telling myself that when I enter college then I'll have a chance to be happy. A destructive way of thinking, but it keeps me going. I do have a slight belief in my purpose that stems from my eagerness to assist others. Many people assume I'm not from Alabama because of my polite, apparently formal, dialect and give me praise for treating them with proper respect. Is that so rare in adolescents here? Seeing the smiles of people, even those I am impartial to, fill me with joy, especially when I am the cause of it. I want to spread friendliness and affection to many people. watch their faces light up, and give them hope that the world is not so consumed by indifference. However, that is difficult now. I am too tired, too self-depreciating, too cynical. It upsets me that I have an unnatural sense of love boiling within me along with a perpetual cauldron of self-hatred, pessimistic views, and sorrow. How does that even add up? But I pray. I pray that one day, one day, I find the happiness I need to confidently spread my endearment to others. Not just find it, but also gain the will to live in order to actually fight for my findings. It does not matter how many times I find that day if I am too deep in my desire to permanently sleep to grab happiness.